What to do when you have it all?

What do you do when you truly have everything? I mean it. What do you do? And by everything, I mean all the things that matter most.

Christmas came early for me this year. I have a healthy dad (more than a miracle), I have an expanding family (my brother finally popped the question to his long time love), we have a trip to one of the most beautiful places in the world to look forward to, and I got to dance all night long last night. Now the latter may not seem quite as important as the others but, let me assure you, it's a big deal. It's a rare event that anyone will go dancing with me and an occasion that brings me more happiness than I can adequately communicate. Such a good time!

I have a new job with some great opportunities ahead of me and I am in great health, running half marathons again and loving every minute of it. I have the pleasure of supporting an outstanding non-profit organization that helps to create very different futures for some remarkable, albeit high risk, youth. It's the stuff of goosebumps and it's my life. I know how fortunate I am.

So I ask you again, what do you do when you have it all...and still feel there is something missing? I can hardly believe I'm thinking it myself. I have everything and yet I'm still seeking something more: a family of my own.

Does my search for more threaten what I already have? Will I ever be satisfied, I wonder? Am I asking for too much?

There is some small, rational part of my brain that assures me I can, and likely will, have what I seek one of these days but precisely because it's so important to me, I find myself in this dark and superstitious place (which I can't imagine will increase my chances, truth be told). Perhaps the proper question to be asking myself is how on earth I can get out of this frame of mind and into a much more positive, optimistic one?

MIA

I've been out of action for months now. I've had nothing interesting to say and not wanted to write a thing. Correction: I'm sure I've had plenty to say but I just haven't been able to articulate any of it in the blog. I have at least half a dozen attempts started, which is sad really, to see them just sitting there in my blog drafts list, so, well...unfinished.

I've been doing the very same with books lately. I start a new book only to abandon it about a third of the way through. My home has become a museum of half read books strewn around. I keep thinking I'll come back to finish them, which is becoming less and less likely as I continue to buy more, only to repeat the pattern. Why can I not complete anything right now?

I hate when things are left unfinished, and yet here I am sitting in and among all these unfinished, unloved stories, and staring at my long list of unfinished blog entries. And yes, my life, of course, mirrors this current state of affairs. Perhaps I have some unfinished business to attend to? Hmmm...

What am I so clearly avoiding?

I'm Only Human...But Working On That

I am surrounded by uber talented, ultra inspiring, amazing youngin's who are pissing me off. How's that for a start today?

You know you're in trouble when you see something or someone who inspires you and instead of filling you with warm fuzzies and the energy to leap tall buildings in a single bound (or is that love?...or superman?), it instead annoys the hell out of you.

While you were "busy" sitting on your ass in front of the tv, enjoying what you've been telling yourself isn't boredom but really "balance", these youngin's were out there doing something productive with themselves. Seriously. What a pisser. A significant pisser when you realize you used to be one of them...and a very long time ago at that.

(...and yes, we can assume that every time I write "you" I mean "me"...)

What to do? What to do?

Well, let's be honest. I became self-indulgent and moped for a good few days. I couldn't get my mind off the broken record of, "What have you done lately, Sonja? Changed the world in any way? Have you impacted anyone other than yourself as of late? Come to think of it, have you impacted yourself in a positive way? Well, have you?" Yes, my overly ambitious, type-A tendencies reared their ugly head.

Let's just say it wasn't pretty there for a while.

But thanks to some sunshine, a good sleep and a fresh perspective (a.k.a. an ass whooping from my nearest and dearest for my ridiculous attitude), I gained some clarity.

There are always going to be people out there who are better, faster, stronger and then some. So take your pick. They're everywhere, and they ARE inspiring. They raise the bar for the rest of us and that should never been seen as a bad thing. A rising tide raises all boats. I think it was JFK who coined this one but, sourcing aside, it's true. Bringing our "A" game to whatever we do doesn't just help us personally, it impacts everyone near by. It's up to us, however, to choose whether that impact is positive or negative. Do you behave like I did (an ass - why mix words?) and miss the opportunity, or do you take advantage of it and up your game? Your choice.

My pitiful reaction to these incredible people in my life was unfortunate. At a time when I was feeling rather uninspired and unmotivated, I had three uber talented, uber inspiring and uber young people enter my life (hello, wake up call!). Rather than viewing that phenomenon as the amazing gift it was, I chose to see it as an aggravating and negative reminder of all that I am not doing with my life. How regrettably pathetic.

Thanks to the aid of a few good souls (and some sleep...I'm terrible without enough of it), I am back to appreciating these people for who they are and doing my best to soak up all the learning their example can offer.

To you three, I apologize. I am humbled and very grateful that you have arrived in my life. You are my tangible proof of what is possible if I just continue to put one foot in front of the other. Your inspiration (and my clarity) could not have come at a better time, by the way. In just a few days, I'll be speaking to 100 undergrad students to go out and chase down their graduation dreams (...poor, poor audience of mine).

Well, at least my presentation seems to be writing itself here...however I would have preferred taking on the inspiring role vs. the "here's the example of what not to do", but so be it. A lesson learned is a lesson learned.

Are You Sure About That? - Part 2

So getting back to the gift of the "The Gift"...

What I didn't share in my Part 1 post was what I walked into as I was awaiting my reading. In all the years (and that would be many) that I've been seeing my psychic, I have never walked in on the end of one her sessions. I've maybe passed someone in the hallway, made awkward and fleeting eye contact as we shuffled past one another, but that's it. Not only did I walk in on the end of someone else's session this time around, but I seemed to have walked in on an episode of Medium.

Far from being there for sh*ts and giggles as I was, these two women were there to find the location of their (they feared) murdered loved one. Full stop.

Needless to say, this overlap of ours, while interesting, was wildly surreal. The session was technically over by the time I made it to the door but they were lingering and chatting away about the session, the location that was identified and how grateful they were to be that much closer to receiving some form of closure. No one acted as if this whole scene was anything other than completely ordinary, so I did my best to seem, well, normal.

As they left, and we settled into my session, my psychic made a comment that further startled me.

"I guess that was for your benefit. I never go over time like that."

"Pardon? For my benefit? How do you mean?"

She went on to tell me that I was being shown all of that because I will be able to do the same for others one day (say wha...?) and then she went on to tell me how I can start working on cultivating it - I don't even know what to call "it" and here I am being given guidance on how to do it. So much for normal.

In the hypothetical realm, something like this sounds pretty cool. As a kid, I loved the idea of one day being a secret agent, catching the bad guys, solving the unsolvable. I even went so far as to take a few years of Criminology in my undergrad. When The X-Files came on tv, I was even more intrigued with the paranormal and all things unexplained. But, as it turned out, crime and murder, be it in this dimension or some hypothetical other, just wasn't my cup of tea. So in the practical realm, not sounding so cool at this point. It struck me as a tremendous responsibility and a whole lot of pressure (translation: not a good time).

Interesting. I've never been a skeptic before now...now that I apparently have "the gift." Somehow I've shifted from identifying with Mulder to behaving a whole lot more like Scully.

So I ask the universe again, are you sure about that or am I soon to be starring in my own version of The X-Files???

Book Launch + Whiskey Bar = Good Times Tonight

I don't believe in coincidence, as the four of you who follow my blog know well, even more so since making the decision to embrace "the gift." So when I saw earlier on Twitter that Ryan Knighton's book launch for C'mon Papa: Dispatches from a Dad in the Dark (http://www.ryanknighton.com/cmonpapa.html) is tonight, I perked up. I think I need to be there.

Here's my logic:

1. I just finished reading The Globe & Mail's review of RK's book this past weekend and was going to pick up a copy as a result (check it out at http://www.theglobeandmail.com/books/review-cmon-papa-dispatches-from-a-dad-in-the-dark-by-ryan-knighton/article1560445/)

2. I live in Vancouver. The book launch is in Vancouver. Could I receive a clearer message to be there? I didn't think so either.

3. I sort of collect authors as a hobby. Just in my spare time. It's not officially a full time job or anything but when you (meaning me) essentially network for a living + read voraciously, the lines can sometimes blur. Don't get me wrong, I don't take them home with me or anything (...only once did that happen and I swear it will never happen again!). In all seriousness, I thoroughly enjoy learning about how someone translates their story into a book for all the world to see...probably because I can't imagine having the courage to do so personally...so when I have the opportunity to meet an author, I will usually jump at it.

4. While I can see very well with the aid of contact lenses or my glasses, I was born with rather severe eye problems and am legally blind without corrective lenses. I appreciate my ability to see every single morning when I can just pop in my contacts. As a result, I have real empathy for those who have lost their sight. Read RK's story to learn how he started to lose his sight from age 18 on...nothing like a little more perspective to keep you (me again) humble.

5. I have a thing for dad's who are in love with their kids (not like an obsessive, fatal attraction thing, just an "oh, isn't that heartwarming?", kind of a thing, which is sort of pathetic to think that these dads seem to be the exception, not the rule, but I digress). I also have the utmost respect for talented writers who can make me laugh...or cry, for that matter. If that happens to be the same person, then I definitely want an opportunity to meet and support them.

6. The launch is taking place at Shebeen Whisk(E)y House in Gastown. I don't drink whiskey but with all the bizarre psychic activity going on around me these days, I might start tonight. At the very least, I could use a drink.

So there you have it. That's why I'm going to be there this evening. Intrigued? You should come. Visit RK's blog for more details: http://rknighton.blogspot.com/2010/04/upcoming-toronto-and-vancouver-events.html.

Hope to see you there.

Are You Sure About That? - Part I

My adventure into the realm of psychic exploration officially took off after my last psychic reading 2 weeks ago. Actually, that's not entirely true. My last reading was, more accurately, the straw that broke the camels back. It was the one that finally compelled me to act.

To demonstrate just how stubborn that makes me, I've been going to see her every year for about 11 years now. Eleven! And she's been not so subtly nudging me to move in this direction for at least the past 6.

So we sit down and right away she picks up that something is missing in my life. Work is good, family is good, I'm surrounded by great people...yadda, yadda, yadda...but, yes, something is indeed missing. And I know exactly what that is! That's why I came to speak with her. I'm giddy with excitement.

I'd been dating a great guy but really wasn't sure if he and I had a future. My gut was telling me that we probably didn't...something was missing...but I was looking for some additional guidance. I could almost hear the words she was about to say...and then she said, "You're missing a part of yourself that you haven't been tapping into, Sonja. You're missing meaning in your life; a connection to something bigger."

What? Hold on a second. My mind was racing. How could she have left out the guy? It was so obvious...even to me!

"Ahh, really? I sort of thought I was missing something in my relationship."

"No, Sonja, this has nothing to do with a relationship."

"Are you sure about that? Do you maybe want to check again? I'm pretty confident it's about love."

"No, Sonja, it's not"...she said, chuckling at me.

I wanted to argue with her but knew better. I was feeling so deflated. I was sure I had it figured out. With some hindsight now I can see I was clearly in denial, trying to avoid what she really wanted me to hear.

There was to be no dating guidance in this particular reading, unless you count the fact that my abilities - soon to be tapped into - will keep away those who aren't serious and can't hack it. You know, I get that, big picture, this is a great thing, but I don't care who you are...no single person wants to hear they're about to have less prospects in their future. Am I wrong? Didn't think so.

As much as I wanted to be a bigger person and focus on all the incredible things she was sharing with me (more to come on that later) as I walked away from my session, all I could think was how complicated my dating life was about to become.

Aren't psychics supposed to be evolved past all this petty human stuff? Do I really have "the gift" or, as my rational brain kept asking, could this just be some kind of cosmic mistaken identity?

Not Sure I'm Primed & Ready For That Exactly

I'm a self professed dabbler. I dabble in a bit of this and I dabble in a bit of that. I like to try new things and I am always open to experiencing something new and out of my comfort zone. Since I can remember, I've always been drawn to learn about the things I don't understand. "Why?" was very likely one of my first words...much to my mother's chagrin (I was not an easy kid to manage).

When my mom couldn't answer my daily barrage of "why?" questions, observing human nature (and later delving into the study of psychology) became my best teacher. I was a reflective and sensitive kid and, unbeknown to me at the time, I was watching and studying what drove people to behave the way they do. As a result, I've always been pretty good at reading people, especially picking up on what isn't being said.

My thirst for knowledge, obsessively self-reflective mind and my love of a good story, have led me to some pretty interesting people and some wildly "out there" experiences. Which brings me to my newest adventure and the unbelievable things that are unfolding before me now. Ah, yeah...how exactly do I say this? Do I just come right out with it? Very well then...ah, yup, well apparently I am psychic (and with that, I think I have officially crossed the line from dabbler to student...and most definitely crossed the threshold of my comfort zone).

Which brings me to the present. I haven't been blogging lately because I've been trying to wrap my head around all of this. And by that, I mean trying to logically explain it all, which, just for the record, is not possible.

I should clarify that this hasn't just happened overnight. It wasn't like I woke up one day and just suddenly had "the gift." It seems this has been a life long process in the making for me...something similar to the "overnight" success that, upon further research, was actually 14 years in the making behind closed doors and without any fan fare.

Interestingly, I've been told for years that I have certain "abilities" I could be tapping into. I've been told this by multiple, and quite random, people at that. I sort of thought that was intriguing but I can't say I ever had a sense of what to do with that information. As much as I love learning about spirituality and enjoy a good psychic reading once a year for "fun", I've been quite resistant to exploring it in any depth on a personal level. That was until very recently, and that's when everything shifted...and I mean everything.

So I think I found the theme for my blog finally. Can't say I saw this one coming.

Humble Pie

I love it (meaning not at all actually) when I come back to read a past post of mine only to realize I wasn't ranting about anyone other than myself.

Disappointed with...myself.

Confused by...me again.

Lack of patience with...you guessed it, moi.

How incredibly frustrating...and so very humbling.

Enough Already

I am well overdue for a good rant.

I really try people, really I do, to be open, understanding and patient but do you have to test me at every f'n turn? Really? Is that absolutely necessary?

Do you really think "I'm sorry" is the panacea? The cure all?

Empty words is all I'm hearing.

Do you really believe that your crappy behaviour will be forgotten if you don't mention it and pretend it never happened?

How old are you? 6?

Do you really think you can get what you want without putting an ounce of effort into actually achieving it?

Keep on dreaming because that's the only time you'll have it.

Do you actually believe that putting your head in the sand will make everything go away?

Have another pitcher, my friend.

Do you really think that you can treat people the way you do and not expect that to come right back at you?

Get a grip.

Do you truly believe that if you withhold the truth people won't notice?

Give your head a shake.

Do you really think you are the only person out there struggling?

Of course you do, you self-absorbed ego maniac.

I realize we are all doing the best we can most of the time but today, as I look around, it's feeling like we're falling rather short.

And then, as I'm writing this, as if the universe is responding to my very question, I get a call from a friend who is working hard to do the right thing...full of fear and doing it anyway...and my faith in people is restored.

Sort of takes the wind out of my sails actually.

Clarity...At Long Last!

What a remarkable seven days it has been. I think it would be fair to say that I am in the transition zone, part way through my confusion, just about through to the other side I would guess. And through this phase, this is what I am learning (again, in some cases) and what I know to be true today:

* Fence sitting has its uses. It holds an important message: when in doubt, wait until you have more information. There is no need to rush things (easier said than done, I realize, but you'll see...).

* When your doubt has diminished, when you might still feel some fear or trepidation yet in spite of it all you are more than ready to jump wholeheartedly into something, that is when you know it's the right time for you to take action. It doesn't have to make logical sense (which is often where I get tripped up)...but it does have to grip you in some way. That's your gut giving you a clear message. Listen to it and take the risk.

* Being genuinely honest with yourself (so you can be honest with others) is the only way to be. If you're not being completely honest with yourself, don't expect anyone else to be open and honest with you. It's just not possible, nor is it reasonable.

* (Ok, this one is quite cliche...perhaps they all are, but that's because they're all so true) The moment you trust yourself (won't go quite so far as to say "believe" in yourself because that's even too pithy for me), so too will others. That true confidence comes through loud and clear on every level. People notice it...even if they don't know exactly what it is they are noticing.

* When love (yes, people, I said love) walks in, there is no mistaking it. Once you recognize it, all those reasons you (meaning me) were on the fence, instantly fade away. Everything you either need to do or need to stop doing, becomes crystal clear. It is that simple. It is that certain. It is that calm.

How's that for clarity?!

A Letter to Fear

Dear Fear,

We've had such a long history together and, after all these years, I feel I know you well. I think it's fair to say that you've always had the best of intentions with me. I know you mean well and are only looking out for me. I really do. You've always got my back and alert me to situations and people I should run in the other direction from (...yes, I realize I'm stubborn, and yes, I should have run faster at times...but that's not the point here).

Fear, I need to step away for a while. It's not you...trust me...it's me. I just need some space to clear my head; have an opportunity to think some things through to see what I come up with...without your help.

You've taught me well, Fear, and I will take those lessons with me moving forward, but it's time I take some risks again. I used to be so open to taking risks and yet, lately, I can't recall the last time I did. I seem to be stuck in a bit of a passive place and it's not sitting well with me. I'm just not prepared to sit back and watch life pass me by.

I already know what you're going to say so please don't. This will be easier if you just let me finish. I know what I'm opening myself up to. I understand things may not work out the way I expect. I may even get hurt in the process. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't care what the outcomes are. What I care about is moving forward, past your warnings and minute-to-minute live updates, and experiencing new and exiting and maybe even life changing things. Can you understand that?

I'll still hear your voice in my head. I'll know when it's time to sit back or walk away. You don't have to worry. You've been a good friend, Fear. You've done your job well and you deserve a bit of a holiday yourself. Aren't you exhausted by this point?

Now, if you could just have a quick word with Money before you begin your vacation. I was thinking perhaps they can take your place at my side for a while and I can get to some of the good living a little sooner than later?

There's a Cure! Sweet Jesus...a Cure!

Cure for the crazies:

Step 1 - Take the full amount of your neuroses (you heard me...all of it) and unleash it into a notebook, or better yet, in a blog post for all to see.

Step 2 - Sleep on it. Don't look at it again, don't judge it, don't go there. Just sleep on it.

Step 3 - After 24 hours, go back and read it...yes, all of it. Every word, and if need be, read it again.

Just three easy steps and that should be quite enough to embarrass (perhaps even shame) you into quickly changing your tune.

And voila...

Goodbye neuroses!

Directions Please

Please tell me I'm not the only one who would take a road map if it were provided during some of life's more uncertain times?

I like to think that I've handled my share of uncertainty, what with life being what it is. Not to mention I've already been divorced, experienced more than a few loved ones battle life threatening illnesses, to say nothing of the colossal mistakes I've made and learned from over my 34 years.

But why is it when it comes to romantic relationships that I have the worst time trusting my gut, grabbing at whatever direction is available to me, be it in the words of a top 40 song or (ouch) on a tv reality show (which, just for the record, I despise under every other circumstance)? Please, tell me. Why? I'd really like to understand this ridiculous behaviour of mine.

What is it about relationships, or potential ones, that get me so bent out of shape? The poor fella doesn't stand a chance in my whirlwind of over analytical neurosis. For the most part, I'm a fairly well adjusted, mature, accomplished woman. Hard to believe with all the proof here but you'll just have to take my word for it. I can make a confident strategic decision about the direction our company should take without a second guess but I conveniently throw my common sense out the window most times when it comes to decisions of a romantic nature.

Why am I so quick to put my feelings aside and behave as if what he thinks is somehow more important than what I think...about me? Why do I so willingly put his needs above my own? Why do I become this pathetic person who is so genuinely surprised that he is interested in me that I turn my 'red light' alert off during critical times? (and "he" here could be anyone...I'm not speaking about anyone in particular, just my dough-head pattern).

I put my feelings on the back burner. I over accommodate his wishes. I hold back parts of myself. I feel like a moron much of the time, or worse, an actor. I either downplay my smarts or say very little. And yes, I do ask myself the question of whether or not I want to be with someone who would value these less than stellar qualities. The answer is always a resounding no, and yet they seem to persist in my insecurity. The intelligent part of me does in fact realize that I am cheating him from getting to know the real me...and yet, I still seem to go there more often than not. Or, on the flip side, I shut down any potential before I have an opportunity to behave this way.

I beat myself up. I annoy my close friends. I hibernate away from the world and try to distract myself with work. I move things along too quickly because somewhere along the way I found sex to be a whole lot easier than intimacy. And I hate that I do all this.

I have such a high wall built up around me that it would take someone truly super human to try and break it down. Clearly unfair and ridiculous of me to expect that responsibility to fall on anyone's shoulders but my own.

I'm scared. This precipice before stepping off the ledge into a relationship feels to me like every shred of skin is gone and I am walking around vulnerable and exposed to the elements. I have to laugh at myself (cause really, what else can I do?...listen to me!). This shouldn't be so hard. I was in a wonderful relationship once upon a time. I know what it can be like. I know it exists. I have a benchmark. And perhaps that is where a lot of this pressure I put on myself is coming from? Perhaps I have an unchecked expectation of the very same type of experience unfolding again in my life. Can anyone live up to that? Is that even what I want again?

I don't have the road map. No crystal ball to rely on. I'm done trying to read the tea leaves, the astrological charts and the tarot cards. It's all crap anyway, especially if I can't read myself and trust my own feelings on the subject.

The one thing I say I would like most in my life right now (which is right in front of me), is the one thing I don't trust myself to judge accurately. And it is the one thing there are no directions for. Ain't that a bitch?!

A wise friend once told me that we are more often afraid than we are actually hurt, although we often behave otherwise. I am afraid. I am not hurt. I can do this ("this" being get over myself and get in the game), if I would only just let myself.

Falling into Trouble

To say I am out of my comfort zone at present would be a bit of an understatement. Everything I have been hoping for, planning for, looking forward to....oh God. That fairly specific wish list I put out to the universe for my future happiness, uhhhh well, it's apparently delivery time. Mother firetrucker! I am totally freaking out!

I can only imagine what the universe will do with me as I resist all that is unfolding in front of me. After all, it's only what I have been asking for. I'm surely committing some cosmic offence for which I rightly will be punished.

Want something to change at work? But of course, says the universe. How about new and exciting contracts that are engaging and keeping you on your toes? You got it. And if that's not enough, how about other job offers? Sure thing, Sonja, here you go!

Want your family to be healthy, happy and enjoying life again? Consider it done! Dad gets a clean bill of health and your sister-in-(common) law is doing so well she's heading back to work a month ahead of schedule!

You say you're ready for a relationship with someone who is not only emotionally available but also so far from being a "project" that you won't know what to do with yourself? You bet! Do you hear that knock at the door? That's him. He's waiting for you to let him in. What are you waiting for?

...and this is where the real panic sets in.

I am being presented with exactly what I have been asking for and I have no idea what to do with myself. Fascinating, don't you think?

To be continued...

Sonja

Clara Hughes is a True Champion

Today is a day of note for the Take A Hike Youth At Risk Foundation.

This program is very near and dear to me and I am excited to pass on great news that is directly impacting them. Clara Hughes, Canadian Olympic bronze medalist, and the only Olympian in history to medal in both the winter and summer Olympics, announced that she is donating her entire $10,000 bonus from the award to the Foundation!

Take a Hike is an alternative education program that engages at-risk youth through a unique combination of adventure-based learning, academics, counseling, and community involvement (http://www.takeahikefoundation.org/). You can learn more about Clara's decision to contribute in this morning's Vancouver Sun (page A15):

http://www.vancouversun.com/sports/2010wintergames/Medal+winner+Clara+Hughes+makes+donation+Vancouver+charity/2612430/story.html

This is an incredible kick off to Take A Hike's upcoming 10 year anniversary celebration and ongoing efforts to ensure the Vancouver-based program continues to thrive and grow well into the future. It is only through the generous donations of individual and corporate donors that they are able to continue offering opportunities to at-risk youth to turn their lives around.

In Clara's own words, she feels that sport saved her life. For many of the youth involved in Take A Hike, the program is literally the only thing that is keeping them off the streets, off drugs, and in school. Graduates have gone on to achieve their goals in ways they never believed would be possible, nor available to them, prior to becoming part of the program.

As the Foundation embarks on their growth strategy to see Take A Hike expand into additional communities beyond Vancouver, I urge you to consider making a donation to this very worthy group in honour of Clara Hughes' incredible achievements as an Canadian Olympian and avid support of the program (http://www.takeahikefoundation.org/?page=donate).

Clara embodies everything about the Olympics that I find truly inspiring. To be frank, all of us with Take A Hike are beside ourselves today with her generosity and the exposure that her contribution has shed on the program.

Thank you, Clara. You are a true champion, in every sense of the word.

Sonja

Who You Callin' a Puck Bunny?

Today, I was called a "puck bunny." A puck bunny! Yes, perhaps I have come under the influence of the home town Olympic Games...and who can blame me, really? Have you seen what's going on in the streets here? Yes, I could most certainly have the fever.

I even heard today about a new "syndrome" running rampant in the city. They're calling it FOMO...otherwise known as the Fear Of Missing Out syndrome. Let us pause for a moment while that one sinks in. Right...moving on...

FOMO I do not have. I do, however, have growing fatigue from cheering on our Canadian men's hockey team. Olympic spirit...yes, I do believe I have a healthy dose of that. Trust me, no one is more surprised than I am.

My cheerleading days are long (...long...) behind me. I'm usually the one who'd rather stay home than deal with the crowds to watch the game. I'm not interested in following the regular season. I'm certainly not one of those people who (I am sure are very lovely people, by the way) are dressed in hockey regalia from head to toe and have their favourite team's logo dangling from their key chain, or worse, from their rear view mirror, or worse still...oh, I could go on but why? Needless to say, you won't see a team flag hanging from my car window (even if I had a car). Vancouver is a serious hockey town. I am the minority here. I've always been good with that.

So why then am I out with the other thousands cheering on Team Canada? Why is it I find myself waiting in line to get a seat a full 2 hours before the games even start? Why am I now planning my work schedule around the hockey schedule to ensure I don't miss a minute of the action? Why indeed?

Because I seem to be superstitious, that's why.

Allow me to explain. Every game that I have gone to, watched or cheered on with the multitudes, we have won so far. The one and only game I did not go to, did not cheer on, did not follow, we lost. You can see my dilemma...but can you feel my pain people?!

While I may not be a true puck bunny (no, really, I'm ok with that), I sure as hell am not going to be responsible for Canada losing the gold medal!

Go Canada Go!

Sonja

5 Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I was packing and leaving my home and my partner of 12 years. My husband and I were starting our trial separation, bringing to a close our chapter together, and beginning to grieve the life we had once fused together so beautifully...now struggling to try and hold it together. We separated only when it became clear to us both that we were no longer on the same path, no longer heading in the same direction. We were no longer meant to be together.

At the time, it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Here I was saying good-bye to my best friend in the world, the only person on God's green earth (quite literally) whom I told everything to, the only person who knew every facet of me, who could anticipate my thoughts, reading them as if they were written across my face. He was the person who, with just one look, was able to communicate everything I needed to hear in that instant, and was always, always able to make me laugh, even under the most tense of circumstances.

He was the person in my life who taught me to be myself by helping me to see who I really was. He loved me for being me, and eventually, having trusted him implicitly, I began to believe he just might be right. To say he was one of the most important people ever to come into my life, doesn't seem to cover just how influential he truly was. And, true to form, we ended our relationship with the same respect, the same admiration, the same love that we entered into it with.

I look back on that chapter of my life with what can only be described as love. I was so fortunate to have had such an amazing relationship so early on in my life. There are many things I fear I may not have made it through had he not always been there with me, by my side, supporting and cheering me on.

While our paths no longer stretch out in the same direction, I will be grateful to him until the end of my days. Having him in my life has made me a much better person (...and a much funnier one, I might add. It's really he who deserves the credit for helping me to develop a sense of humour...that and a few experiences since our parting, but still he deserves the lion share).

I didn't intend for this to be a thank you message to you, Cord, but it seems it has become one. Thank you for your love, for your patience over all our years together, and for introducing me to myself.

In a way, today feels like the end of yet another chapter in my life. Over these past five years, I thought I wanted to be in a relationship again like this one, but along the way it became increasingly clear to me that I wasn't yet open nor was I anywhere near ready. Happily, I am turning now to a new page.

In gratitude,

Sonja

Dudes, Now What?

I know when I start to get restless that something has to shift. It's not right away, at least not usually. I generally need a few days, sometimes (sadly) a few weeks, to become fully annoyed by my restlessness before I will take action and do something about it. Today I am annoyed by it.

After months without a personal laptop - mine having died a slow and painfully long, drawn out death - I am the proud owner of a new MacBook. My first thought, after bringing it home and setting it up in a matter of 4 minutes or so, was why the hell I didn't I do this sooner? Both why didn't I replace my laptop sooner and, more emphatically, why didn't I buy myself a Mac long before now??? It's crazy making to think of all the time I have wasted. This machine is amazing...but I digress.

So here I am with my very own computer again (technically my MacBook is at home and I am at work but you get the point). You'd think that would ease my restlessness now that I can get back into a regular writing routine...and yet, instead of writing, I have been wasting time trying to change my blog template and, inadvertently I might add, downloading a virus that has apparently been emailing everyone in my professional address book (yes, I was on my work PC...not exactly ideal. Had I been on my MacBook, I wouldn't have had to worry about such a trifle).

So as I am downloading Malware something or other "fix-it" software, which is probably a virus itself (did I mention, Mac's don't have these problems?), I am further frustrated that (a) I now have to waste more time getting rid of this virus and (b) I'm even more disgruntled that I haven't found a solution to the limited range of Blogger templates I have to choose from (I would have been quite happy to take a new template with the virus...I'm a practical girl. I realize I can't have everything). Oh to be a graphic artist...but I'm digressing further.

It's a new year (thank God), my life is in stable condition (welcome news), and I seem to have a lot of time on my hands these days (how refreshing). I could be using that time to focus on some writing and exploration into what I shall do next with my life (...ding!, ding!, ding! Hello to the true source of my restlessness). I figured taking action and putting some cold hard cash down on a computer would be a strong commitment to myself to move forward since looking at this expensive piece of technology every day is going to kill me if I don't do something with it. Sh*t, did I just create a new kind of hell with which to dwell in? And here I thought I was doing so well.

Distractions are in short supply (hence my trying to create them out of thin air). Who cares what my blog looks like (new mantra: doesn't matter what it looks like, doesn't matter what it looks like...) so long as I am saying something of interest on a somewhat consistent basis (zero for two as of late, I'm afraid. My blog feels more like a Seinfeld episode - a whole lot about nothing - but a lot less funny).

New year, new focus, new theme.

It'll make sense soon enough, to both you and me, I hope (fingers are crossed).

Ciao for now,

Sonja

It's official: 2010 is my new best friend

Yes, it's only January, but I have come to the realization that 2010 is my newest best bud. Why, you ask? Well the last 30 days have been quite a transformation (...a very necessary one, I might add).

I was smart enough to take a solo vacation over the holiday, enjoying a week to myself to read, reflect, sleep, hike and repeat. This is a picture of the path from my cottage (and back to myself really). Not a difficult place to be when you need some time to be one your own.

I knew I was overwhelmed and downright exhausted from the past year but I didn't realize how burnt out I was until I got away to unwind and unravel it all. I think I wrote more in those 7 days than I did all 365 of the last year. God, what a gift to be able to step away and check out (or, more accurately, check in with myself) before starting a new year.

The moment I got home, a number of things began to shift:

* No longer did I feel the need to kill someone (well, at least it wasn't my first thought when someone pissed me off...that's progress, no?);

* I came back to work refreshed and completely re-energized. I might even go so far as to say I have been excited about work;

* I enrolled in and started a unique photography and creative writing course that I am loving (check it out at www.susannahconway.com);

* I got back in the gym and started running again (sadly, I am also pretty sure I have had more exercise in the past month versus the entire past year);

* I took an Executive Finance course that just about did me in...but didn't thanks in part to a new friend who helped make it a rather enjoyable experience;

* And rather than giving up wine altogether (who does that?), I've decided rather to only really enjoy it while in the company of others (I figure it's a step in the right direction anyway).

The last 30 days have been a welcome change in my world but a change that I don't think would have been possible without the 365 that came before them. There is much benefit in moving through the dark days to appreciate all the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Cliche, yes. True, absolutely. I've proved this to myself countless times over the years and yet the power in it still never ceases to amaze me.

So, with that, I wish a big 'G' Goodbye to 2009, and a warm hello to 2010. Hoping you all are primed and ready for a new path, new opportunities, and the new adventures to come.

Sonja