Thursday, March 25, 2010

Clarity...At Long Last!

What a remarkable seven days it has been. I think it would be fair to say that I am in the transition zone, part way through my confusion, just about through to the other side I would guess. And through this phase, this is what I am learning (again, in some cases) and what I know to be true today:

* Fence sitting has its uses. It holds an important message: when in doubt, wait until you have more information. There is no need to rush things (easier said than done, I realize, but you'll see...).

* When your doubt has diminished, when you might still feel some fear or trepidation yet in spite of it all you are more than ready to jump wholeheartedly into something, that is when you know it's the right time for you to take action. It doesn't have to make logical sense (which is often where I get tripped up)...but it does have to grip you in some way. That's your gut giving you a clear message. Listen to it and take the risk.

* Being genuinely honest with yourself (so you can be honest with others) is the only way to be. If you're not being completely honest with yourself, don't expect anyone else to be open and honest with you. It's just not possible, nor is it reasonable.

* (Ok, this one is quite cliche...perhaps they all are, but that's because they're all so true) The moment you trust yourself (won't go quite so far as to say "believe" in yourself because that's even too pithy for me), so too will others. That true confidence comes through loud and clear on every level. People notice it...even if they don't know exactly what it is they are noticing.

* When love (yes, people, I said love) walks in, there is no mistaking it. Once you recognize it, all those reasons you (meaning me) were on the fence, instantly fade away. Everything you either need to do or need to stop doing, becomes crystal clear. It is that simple. It is that certain. It is that calm.

How's that for clarity?!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Letter to Fear

Dear Fear,

We've had such a long history together and, after all these years, I feel I know you well. I think it's fair to say that you've always had the best of intentions with me. I know you mean well and are only looking out for me. I really do. You've always got my back and alert me to situations and people I should run in the other direction from (...yes, I realize I'm stubborn, and yes, I should have run faster at times...but that's not the point here).

Fear, I need to step away for a while. It's not's me. I just need some space to clear my head; have an opportunity to think some things through to see what I come up with...without your help.

You've taught me well, Fear, and I will take those lessons with me moving forward, but it's time I take some risks again. I used to be so open to taking risks and yet, lately, I can't recall the last time I did. I seem to be stuck in a bit of a passive place and it's not sitting well with me. I'm just not prepared to sit back and watch life pass me by.

I already know what you're going to say so please don't. This will be easier if you just let me finish. I know what I'm opening myself up to. I understand things may not work out the way I expect. I may even get hurt in the process. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't care what the outcomes are. What I care about is moving forward, past your warnings and minute-to-minute live updates, and experiencing new and exiting and maybe even life changing things. Can you understand that?

I'll still hear your voice in my head. I'll know when it's time to sit back or walk away. You don't have to worry. You've been a good friend, Fear. You've done your job well and you deserve a bit of a holiday yourself. Aren't you exhausted by this point?

Now, if you could just have a quick word with Money before you begin your vacation. I was thinking perhaps they can take your place at my side for a while and I can get to some of the good living a little sooner than later?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

There's a Cure! Sweet Jesus...a Cure!

Cure for the crazies:

Step 1 - Take the full amount of your neuroses (you heard me...all of it) and unleash it into a notebook, or better yet, in a blog post for all to see.

Step 2 - Sleep on it. Don't look at it again, don't judge it, don't go there. Just sleep on it.

Step 3 - After 24 hours, go back and read it...yes, all of it. Every word, and if need be, read it again.

Just three easy steps and that should be quite enough to embarrass (perhaps even shame) you into quickly changing your tune.

And voila...

Goodbye neuroses!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Directions Please

Please tell me I'm not the only one who would take a road map if it were provided during some of life's more uncertain times?

I like to think that I've handled my share of uncertainty, what with life being what it is. Not to mention I've already been divorced, experienced more than a few loved ones battle life threatening illnesses, to say nothing of the colossal mistakes I've made and learned from over my 34 years.

But why is it when it comes to romantic relationships that I have the worst time trusting my gut, grabbing at whatever direction is available to me, be it in the words of a top 40 song or (ouch) on a tv reality show (which, just for the record, I despise under every other circumstance)? Please, tell me. Why? I'd really like to understand this ridiculous behaviour of mine.

What is it about relationships, or potential ones, that get me so bent out of shape? The poor fella doesn't stand a chance in my whirlwind of over analytical neurosis. For the most part, I'm a fairly well adjusted, mature, accomplished woman. Hard to believe with all the proof here but you'll just have to take my word for it. I can make a confident strategic decision about the direction our company should take without a second guess but I conveniently throw my common sense out the window most times when it comes to decisions of a romantic nature.

Why am I so quick to put my feelings aside and behave as if what he thinks is somehow more important than what I think...about me? Why do I so willingly put his needs above my own? Why do I become this pathetic person who is so genuinely surprised that he is interested in me that I turn my 'red light' alert off during critical times? (and "he" here could be anyone...I'm not speaking about anyone in particular, just my dough-head pattern).

I put my feelings on the back burner. I over accommodate his wishes. I hold back parts of myself. I feel like a moron much of the time, or worse, an actor. I either downplay my smarts or say very little. And yes, I do ask myself the question of whether or not I want to be with someone who would value these less than stellar qualities. The answer is always a resounding no, and yet they seem to persist in my insecurity. The intelligent part of me does in fact realize that I am cheating him from getting to know the real me...and yet, I still seem to go there more often than not. Or, on the flip side, I shut down any potential before I have an opportunity to behave this way.

I beat myself up. I annoy my close friends. I hibernate away from the world and try to distract myself with work. I move things along too quickly because somewhere along the way I found sex to be a whole lot easier than intimacy. And I hate that I do all this.

I have such a high wall built up around me that it would take someone truly super human to try and break it down. Clearly unfair and ridiculous of me to expect that responsibility to fall on anyone's shoulders but my own.

I'm scared. This precipice before stepping off the ledge into a relationship feels to me like every shred of skin is gone and I am walking around vulnerable and exposed to the elements. I have to laugh at myself (cause really, what else can I do?...listen to me!). This shouldn't be so hard. I was in a wonderful relationship once upon a time. I know what it can be like. I know it exists. I have a benchmark. And perhaps that is where a lot of this pressure I put on myself is coming from? Perhaps I have an unchecked expectation of the very same type of experience unfolding again in my life. Can anyone live up to that? Is that even what I want again?

I don't have the road map. No crystal ball to rely on. I'm done trying to read the tea leaves, the astrological charts and the tarot cards. It's all crap anyway, especially if I can't read myself and trust my own feelings on the subject.

The one thing I say I would like most in my life right now (which is right in front of me), is the one thing I don't trust myself to judge accurately. And it is the one thing there are no directions for. Ain't that a bitch?!

A wise friend once told me that we are more often afraid than we are actually hurt, although we often behave otherwise. I am afraid. I am not hurt. I can do this ("this" being get over myself and get in the game), if I would only just let myself.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Falling into Trouble

To say I am out of my comfort zone at present would be a bit of an understatement. Everything I have been hoping for, planning for, looking forward to....oh God. That fairly specific wish list I put out to the universe for my future happiness, uhhhh well, it's apparently delivery time. Mother firetrucker! I am totally freaking out!

I can only imagine what the universe will do with me as I resist all that is unfolding in front of me. After all, it's only what I have been asking for. I'm surely committing some cosmic offence for which I rightly will be punished.

Want something to change at work? But of course, says the universe. How about new and exciting contracts that are engaging and keeping you on your toes? You got it. And if that's not enough, how about other job offers? Sure thing, Sonja, here you go!

Want your family to be healthy, happy and enjoying life again? Consider it done! Dad gets a clean bill of health and your sister-in-(common) law is doing so well she's heading back to work a month ahead of schedule!

You say you're ready for a relationship with someone who is not only emotionally available but also so far from being a "project" that you won't know what to do with yourself? You bet! Do you hear that knock at the door? That's him. He's waiting for you to let him in. What are you waiting for?

...and this is where the real panic sets in.

I am being presented with exactly what I have been asking for and I have no idea what to do with myself. Fascinating, don't you think?

To be continued...