It occurs to me that my blog posts seem to alternate between silly and far from serious subject matter to much more personal, serious-esque subject matter. It's very much following the ebb and flow of my life these days. One major component that seems to be missing however (or at least to me) is passion. I'm not passionate about anything right now...and I'm not very pleased about that.
It's been a very serious couple of weeks for me...with one or two exceptions...and this weekend I was able to shrug off some seriousness for a longer period when I got into a new book of all things. The book is exciting and has captured my full attention. I'm totally engrossed in it and, when I'm not reading it, I'm looking forward to the next opportunity I will have to do so. Sounds a bit like a drug addiction. Not exactly the feeling I'm trying to create here.
Set in and amongst all the heavy subject matter playing out with my dad being back in the hospital (day 14), it's almost as if this little book (actually, it's more than 800 pages but relatively small in size, if you will) has woken me up in some way and I don't want to fall back asleep.
And I'm not distracting myself in this one...well, not entirely. It's got me thinking about this long lost feeling I use to have much more regularly.
The book, by the way, is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. The feeling I have, reading this thriller of a page turner, is of being completely alert and aware. Things seem brighter somehow, more in focus. The story evokes real raw emotion. So much so that I've had to put it down a few times to think through what it's triggering for me (it is a wee bit disturbing in parts, which could be why I'm actually putting it down...either that or my marathon reading sessions wreaking havoc on my full bladder). I lose track of time when I open it up. The book is built like a puzzle; it's completely stimulating on an intellectual level and is certainly keeping me on my toes.
I remember when I use to feel this way about a lot of things in my life, namely my work. I miss these feelings and helping to evoke them - that energy - in others (that would be the positive ones, not the addiction like ones, just to be absolutely clear).
When did I become so apathetic?
Back to reality here. On the one hand, I have a very sick parent. Happens to be the inspiration for creating my blog and not wanting to waste a moment more of my life. On the other hand, I have put certain aspects of my life on hold...because I have a very sick parent. Can we read between the lines here people and identify the issue? Yup. I'm kinda moving in circles both here and in my life. And that's got to stop.
My challenge this week then, is to find another opportunity/activity/experience that makes me feel this engaged, alert and alive (outside of the book...and not to include drunk texting. I, of course, wouldn't know personally but I've heard it can create more problems than it's really worth). Trying to expand my circle of engagement, if you will. I figure baby steps are best when I have no idea how else to break out of this pattern I find myself in.
On a separate but related note, I'm not sure that eHarmony is the answer for me. Jumping on board, I now realize, has been sort of a lame attempt on my part to have someone else (the magic match-makers behind the curtain) do the work for me. It was a half-assed step I took with a half-assed intent. Not one I was ever going to fully commit to and, by being aware of that, I know all I will get out of it are other half-asser's who are not willing to commit. Not such a great recipe for success if you ask me.
Don't get me wrong. I know it can be a great tool and it can work for a lot of people (and has) but you can only get out of it what you put into it - like anything we do - and that is why it will not work for me at this point in my life. Not to mention, I am a firm believer that when we've got our own sh*t together, we are far more attractive to others and things, quite naturally, seem to have a way of falling into place.
My brief foray into online dating was a distraction tool for me (at least this round anyway). A way for me to turn my focus away from the important questions I should be answering about myself and my life. Now that I've realized (or should I say, now that I've been reminded) that the distractions are the very things taking me away from what I want, my course of action is pretty clear: dump the distractions and get on with the business of moving forward...hence this week's challenge.
No idea what will come of it. Could be quite boring actually. Suppose we'll both have to wait until my next post to find out.
Ciao for now,