The Fog is Clearing

It feels like a lifetime has passed since I was last blogging consistently. Wow. Amazing how easily I can get caught up in the drama of my own life at times and neglect the things that feed me most.

So today's lesson is a brief one. As of late, I have been watching myself get all bent out of shape by two people in particular. Both are boys. Both challenge me in different ways. Both have a gift of getting under my skin before they even say so much as hello to me.

It's been such a problem that I had to take a time out from them both, choosing instead to spend the time reflecting on what the deal is with these two (as if the issue were outside of me!). I took some guidance from a great book on zen and stopped when I read this: "By not moving, we are unable to run away or influence our experience. We have to simply be present to whatever is happening, just as it is."

I've been very busy getting worked up, reacting without thinking, and allowing things to both bother me and then fester, that I've actually forgotten to sit still, find my seat and do nothing. As all good zen students know (at least intellectually we know), if we cannot simply 'do nothing', we have little hope of resolving anything. Funny thing being that as we do nothing for a little while, there is very little that needs resolving. Our reaction subsides, our death grip on the issue loosens, and our perspective clears.

How I could lose site of the fact that these individuals were not the issue but that my particular reaction to them was, is beyond me. Just goes to show that we all can benefit from reminders from time to time.

Happy Valentines Day

Longing sings:

I am a way of preparing you

And I smile gently when you stray;

I know that out of loneliness

You will emerge into that greatest happiness

And will take my hands.

I walk with you through all prose

And obliquely teach you

the deep lesson in every fate.

Which is: to see in each small rose

The great Spring's unfolding.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I'm Only Human...But Working On That

I am surrounded by uber talented, ultra inspiring, amazing youngin's who are pissing me off. How's that for a start today?

You know you're in trouble when you see something or someone who inspires you and instead of filling you with warm fuzzies and the energy to leap tall buildings in a single bound (or is that love?...or superman?), it instead annoys the hell out of you.

While you were "busy" sitting on your ass in front of the tv, enjoying what you've been telling yourself isn't boredom but really "balance", these youngin's were out there doing something productive with themselves. Seriously. What a pisser. A significant pisser when you realize you used to be one of them...and a very long time ago at that.

(...and yes, we can assume that every time I write "you" I mean "me"...)

What to do? What to do?

Well, let's be honest. I became self-indulgent and moped for a good few days. I couldn't get my mind off the broken record of, "What have you done lately, Sonja? Changed the world in any way? Have you impacted anyone other than yourself as of late? Come to think of it, have you impacted yourself in a positive way? Well, have you?" Yes, my overly ambitious, type-A tendencies reared their ugly head.

Let's just say it wasn't pretty there for a while.

But thanks to some sunshine, a good sleep and a fresh perspective (a.k.a. an ass whooping from my nearest and dearest for my ridiculous attitude), I gained some clarity.

There are always going to be people out there who are better, faster, stronger and then some. So take your pick. They're everywhere, and they ARE inspiring. They raise the bar for the rest of us and that should never been seen as a bad thing. A rising tide raises all boats. I think it was JFK who coined this one but, sourcing aside, it's true. Bringing our "A" game to whatever we do doesn't just help us personally, it impacts everyone near by. It's up to us, however, to choose whether that impact is positive or negative. Do you behave like I did (an ass - why mix words?) and miss the opportunity, or do you take advantage of it and up your game? Your choice.

My pitiful reaction to these incredible people in my life was unfortunate. At a time when I was feeling rather uninspired and unmotivated, I had three uber talented, uber inspiring and uber young people enter my life (hello, wake up call!). Rather than viewing that phenomenon as the amazing gift it was, I chose to see it as an aggravating and negative reminder of all that I am not doing with my life. How regrettably pathetic.

Thanks to the aid of a few good souls (and some sleep...I'm terrible without enough of it), I am back to appreciating these people for who they are and doing my best to soak up all the learning their example can offer.

To you three, I apologize. I am humbled and very grateful that you have arrived in my life. You are my tangible proof of what is possible if I just continue to put one foot in front of the other. Your inspiration (and my clarity) could not have come at a better time, by the way. In just a few days, I'll be speaking to 100 undergrad students to go out and chase down their graduation dreams (...poor, poor audience of mine).

Well, at least my presentation seems to be writing itself here...however I would have preferred taking on the inspiring role vs. the "here's the example of what not to do", but so be it. A lesson learned is a lesson learned.

Humble Pie

I love it (meaning not at all actually) when I come back to read a past post of mine only to realize I wasn't ranting about anyone other than myself.

Disappointed with...myself.

Confused by...me again.

Lack of patience with...you guessed it, moi.

How incredibly frustrating...and so very humbling.

Enough Already

I am well overdue for a good rant.

I really try people, really I do, to be open, understanding and patient but do you have to test me at every f'n turn? Really? Is that absolutely necessary?

Do you really think "I'm sorry" is the panacea? The cure all?

Empty words is all I'm hearing.

Do you really believe that your crappy behaviour will be forgotten if you don't mention it and pretend it never happened?

How old are you? 6?

Do you really think you can get what you want without putting an ounce of effort into actually achieving it?

Keep on dreaming because that's the only time you'll have it.

Do you actually believe that putting your head in the sand will make everything go away?

Have another pitcher, my friend.

Do you really think that you can treat people the way you do and not expect that to come right back at you?

Get a grip.

Do you truly believe that if you withhold the truth people won't notice?

Give your head a shake.

Do you really think you are the only person out there struggling?

Of course you do, you self-absorbed ego maniac.

I realize we are all doing the best we can most of the time but today, as I look around, it's feeling like we're falling rather short.

And then, as I'm writing this, as if the universe is responding to my very question, I get a call from a friend who is working hard to do the right thing...full of fear and doing it anyway...and my faith in people is restored.

Sort of takes the wind out of my sails actually.

Clarity...At Long Last!

What a remarkable seven days it has been. I think it would be fair to say that I am in the transition zone, part way through my confusion, just about through to the other side I would guess. And through this phase, this is what I am learning (again, in some cases) and what I know to be true today:

* Fence sitting has its uses. It holds an important message: when in doubt, wait until you have more information. There is no need to rush things (easier said than done, I realize, but you'll see...).

* When your doubt has diminished, when you might still feel some fear or trepidation yet in spite of it all you are more than ready to jump wholeheartedly into something, that is when you know it's the right time for you to take action. It doesn't have to make logical sense (which is often where I get tripped up)...but it does have to grip you in some way. That's your gut giving you a clear message. Listen to it and take the risk.

* Being genuinely honest with yourself (so you can be honest with others) is the only way to be. If you're not being completely honest with yourself, don't expect anyone else to be open and honest with you. It's just not possible, nor is it reasonable.

* (Ok, this one is quite cliche...perhaps they all are, but that's because they're all so true) The moment you trust yourself (won't go quite so far as to say "believe" in yourself because that's even too pithy for me), so too will others. That true confidence comes through loud and clear on every level. People notice it...even if they don't know exactly what it is they are noticing.

* When love (yes, people, I said love) walks in, there is no mistaking it. Once you recognize it, all those reasons you (meaning me) were on the fence, instantly fade away. Everything you either need to do or need to stop doing, becomes crystal clear. It is that simple. It is that certain. It is that calm.

How's that for clarity?!

Directions Please

Please tell me I'm not the only one who would take a road map if it were provided during some of life's more uncertain times?

I like to think that I've handled my share of uncertainty, what with life being what it is. Not to mention I've already been divorced, experienced more than a few loved ones battle life threatening illnesses, to say nothing of the colossal mistakes I've made and learned from over my 34 years.

But why is it when it comes to romantic relationships that I have the worst time trusting my gut, grabbing at whatever direction is available to me, be it in the words of a top 40 song or (ouch) on a tv reality show (which, just for the record, I despise under every other circumstance)? Please, tell me. Why? I'd really like to understand this ridiculous behaviour of mine.

What is it about relationships, or potential ones, that get me so bent out of shape? The poor fella doesn't stand a chance in my whirlwind of over analytical neurosis. For the most part, I'm a fairly well adjusted, mature, accomplished woman. Hard to believe with all the proof here but you'll just have to take my word for it. I can make a confident strategic decision about the direction our company should take without a second guess but I conveniently throw my common sense out the window most times when it comes to decisions of a romantic nature.

Why am I so quick to put my feelings aside and behave as if what he thinks is somehow more important than what I think...about me? Why do I so willingly put his needs above my own? Why do I become this pathetic person who is so genuinely surprised that he is interested in me that I turn my 'red light' alert off during critical times? (and "he" here could be anyone...I'm not speaking about anyone in particular, just my dough-head pattern).

I put my feelings on the back burner. I over accommodate his wishes. I hold back parts of myself. I feel like a moron much of the time, or worse, an actor. I either downplay my smarts or say very little. And yes, I do ask myself the question of whether or not I want to be with someone who would value these less than stellar qualities. The answer is always a resounding no, and yet they seem to persist in my insecurity. The intelligent part of me does in fact realize that I am cheating him from getting to know the real me...and yet, I still seem to go there more often than not. Or, on the flip side, I shut down any potential before I have an opportunity to behave this way.

I beat myself up. I annoy my close friends. I hibernate away from the world and try to distract myself with work. I move things along too quickly because somewhere along the way I found sex to be a whole lot easier than intimacy. And I hate that I do all this.

I have such a high wall built up around me that it would take someone truly super human to try and break it down. Clearly unfair and ridiculous of me to expect that responsibility to fall on anyone's shoulders but my own.

I'm scared. This precipice before stepping off the ledge into a relationship feels to me like every shred of skin is gone and I am walking around vulnerable and exposed to the elements. I have to laugh at myself (cause really, what else can I do?...listen to me!). This shouldn't be so hard. I was in a wonderful relationship once upon a time. I know what it can be like. I know it exists. I have a benchmark. And perhaps that is where a lot of this pressure I put on myself is coming from? Perhaps I have an unchecked expectation of the very same type of experience unfolding again in my life. Can anyone live up to that? Is that even what I want again?

I don't have the road map. No crystal ball to rely on. I'm done trying to read the tea leaves, the astrological charts and the tarot cards. It's all crap anyway, especially if I can't read myself and trust my own feelings on the subject.

The one thing I say I would like most in my life right now (which is right in front of me), is the one thing I don't trust myself to judge accurately. And it is the one thing there are no directions for. Ain't that a bitch?!

A wise friend once told me that we are more often afraid than we are actually hurt, although we often behave otherwise. I am afraid. I am not hurt. I can do this ("this" being get over myself and get in the game), if I would only just let myself.

5 Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I was packing and leaving my home and my partner of 12 years. My husband and I were starting our trial separation, bringing to a close our chapter together, and beginning to grieve the life we had once fused together so beautifully...now struggling to try and hold it together. We separated only when it became clear to us both that we were no longer on the same path, no longer heading in the same direction. We were no longer meant to be together.

At the time, it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Here I was saying good-bye to my best friend in the world, the only person on God's green earth (quite literally) whom I told everything to, the only person who knew every facet of me, who could anticipate my thoughts, reading them as if they were written across my face. He was the person who, with just one look, was able to communicate everything I needed to hear in that instant, and was always, always able to make me laugh, even under the most tense of circumstances.

He was the person in my life who taught me to be myself by helping me to see who I really was. He loved me for being me, and eventually, having trusted him implicitly, I began to believe he just might be right. To say he was one of the most important people ever to come into my life, doesn't seem to cover just how influential he truly was. And, true to form, we ended our relationship with the same respect, the same admiration, the same love that we entered into it with.

I look back on that chapter of my life with what can only be described as love. I was so fortunate to have had such an amazing relationship so early on in my life. There are many things I fear I may not have made it through had he not always been there with me, by my side, supporting and cheering me on.

While our paths no longer stretch out in the same direction, I will be grateful to him until the end of my days. Having him in my life has made me a much better person (...and a much funnier one, I might add. It's really he who deserves the credit for helping me to develop a sense of humour...that and a few experiences since our parting, but still he deserves the lion share).

I didn't intend for this to be a thank you message to you, Cord, but it seems it has become one. Thank you for your love, for your patience over all our years together, and for introducing me to myself.

In a way, today feels like the end of yet another chapter in my life. Over these past five years, I thought I wanted to be in a relationship again like this one, but along the way it became increasingly clear to me that I wasn't yet open nor was I anywhere near ready. Happily, I am turning now to a new page.

In gratitude,

Sonja

It's official: 2010 is my new best friend

Yes, it's only January, but I have come to the realization that 2010 is my newest best bud. Why, you ask? Well the last 30 days have been quite a transformation (...a very necessary one, I might add).

I was smart enough to take a solo vacation over the holiday, enjoying a week to myself to read, reflect, sleep, hike and repeat. This is a picture of the path from my cottage (and back to myself really). Not a difficult place to be when you need some time to be one your own.

I knew I was overwhelmed and downright exhausted from the past year but I didn't realize how burnt out I was until I got away to unwind and unravel it all. I think I wrote more in those 7 days than I did all 365 of the last year. God, what a gift to be able to step away and check out (or, more accurately, check in with myself) before starting a new year.

The moment I got home, a number of things began to shift:

* No longer did I feel the need to kill someone (well, at least it wasn't my first thought when someone pissed me off...that's progress, no?);

* I came back to work refreshed and completely re-energized. I might even go so far as to say I have been excited about work;

* I enrolled in and started a unique photography and creative writing course that I am loving (check it out at www.susannahconway.com);

* I got back in the gym and started running again (sadly, I am also pretty sure I have had more exercise in the past month versus the entire past year);

* I took an Executive Finance course that just about did me in...but didn't thanks in part to a new friend who helped make it a rather enjoyable experience;

* And rather than giving up wine altogether (who does that?), I've decided rather to only really enjoy it while in the company of others (I figure it's a step in the right direction anyway).

The last 30 days have been a welcome change in my world but a change that I don't think would have been possible without the 365 that came before them. There is much benefit in moving through the dark days to appreciate all the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Cliche, yes. True, absolutely. I've proved this to myself countless times over the years and yet the power in it still never ceases to amaze me.

So, with that, I wish a big 'G' Goodbye to 2009, and a warm hello to 2010. Hoping you all are primed and ready for a new path, new opportunities, and the new adventures to come.

Sonja

The Power of Goodbye

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had more visits from the ghost's of my past than I care to admit. I've come face-to-face with people and situations that I continue to hear myself say I no longer want any part of...and yet, here they are, one after another. It's as if they're showing up to test my resolve. Well they're surely testing my patience at any rate.

I must be maturing in some small way though (Hallelujah!) because the only thing I want to communicate to each of these ghosts is a goodbye with a capital 'G' and a resounding period. Time for them to cross over, I think, or at the very least leave me in peace and go haunt someone else.

Their purpose in my life has been served...at least I hope it has (all I can say is 'Serenity Now!' if there is still more in store). I've learned a tremendous amount about myself in the process of working through each situation and, for that, I am quite grateful.

But...and I know it sounds terrible to say (or in this case, write)...these particular ghosts no longer add any value to me or to my life (true, there could be one or two that maybe didn't add a whole lot to begin with but...well...live and learn). Whenever I'm finding a certain person or situation is continually leaving me feeling depleted or taken advantage of, it's a sure sign in my books to move along - quickly.

It's been a long time since I've done a good purge. Similar to getting rid of all that crap that mysteriously seems to accumulate in my closets so I can make way for the new favorites to arrive, so too do I feel the need to reassess my outdated relationships from time to time.

And that is where the power of the big 'G' Goodbye comes in. It really is that simple. Difficult to execute...oh yes - I won't lie - certainly can be...but once you are ready to put an end to those relationships that no longer serve you, you make room for those that do to come into your life.

The moral of my story: with every ending comes a new beginning. Cliché it may be, but that little sentiment has gotten me through more than a few difficult big 'G' Goodbye's. And I have not once regretted it. In fact, it has always been the prelude to something or someone amazing coming into my life.

So not only is it a song by Madonna, it's also a very effective tool in my own personal development arsenal.

And with that I say bah-bye.

Sonja

Crossing at a Ford

"'Crossing at a ford' means, for example, crossing the sea at a strait, or crossing over a hundred miles of broad sea at a crossing place. I believe this 'crossing at a ford' occurs often in a man's lifetime. It means setting sail even though your friends stay in harbour, knowing the route, knowing the soundness of your ship and the favour of the day. When all the conditions are met, and there is perhaps a favourable wind, or a tailwind, then set sail. If the wind changes within a few miles of your destination, you must row across the remaining distance without sail.

If you attain this spirit, it applies to everyday life."

~ The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi (1645)

I've been thinking about this passage for days it seems and finally pulled out this treasured book again tonight. I decided to post it thinking it may be of some interest to others as well.

Musashi is my 'go to' guy in all things strategic and philosophical. But it's been a while, I must say. The cover had quite a layer of dust keeping it company. Perhaps the tide is turning. Good sign.

Sonja

Tick Tock

Crisis averted. Dad is home after 22 days in hospital. HUGE sigh of relief! And the clock is still ticking on my life. Look at that. No time out for taking care of others. Bummer. You know, this critical illness stuff is terribly distracting.

So how did I do on last week's self-imposed assignment? Yeah...about that...

I got about as far as creating a list of the things that get me excited and feeling genuinely engaged (other than reading, of course). And here's what I've got so far:

Dancing - one of my favorite things to do and after 20 years of training, it's still something I absolutely love. Turn the music up loud and let 'er rip. It's a great feeling to be so in tune with yourself physically and the perfect solution for a down mood or to shake off a difficult day. Anywhere, anytime.

Writing - one cannot be on autopilot when they're writing...at least I can't be (although I'm sure that's debatable)...especially when I'm reflecting on myself, my behaviour, or an experience I've had. I need to be "on" and definitely present...hence not writing for more than a week here or elsewhere. Always a red flag in my books.

Negotiating - it's one of my favorite parts of the job. It takes some thought to bring two parties to agreement on a deal, or to uncover some common ground, especially if there was never any to begin with. I find negotiating, mediating and closing a win/win agreement incredibly satisfying.

Training - I have always loved training. It's been a very big part of my career, until recently, and I find I'm missing it these days. What I love about training groups of people is how much I learn and grow from the experience. Not to mention how satisfying it is when the light bulb goes off for participants and they have grasped a new concept or you watch as their behaviour reflects their new learning. Now that is exciting.

Adventuring - this is a rather all encompassing category, I realize. It includes everything from hiking a new trail or creating one that didn't exist before...training for a new physical challenge...meeting new people...traveling to a new place...trying something I have never tried before...and on the list could go.

All of these things get me into "the zone", if you will. It is during these times in particular when things seem crystal clear to me; my mind is agile, flexible, adaptable; I'm able to rapidly generate new ideas, alternatives and solutions (or is it that they somehow just seem to flow through me?); I am only focused on what I am doing in that moment; I feel I have access to, what seems like, many more resources than I had before; I am learning, satisfying my curiosity and I am being challenged.

Learning is a big part of each of these activities and why, I'm sure, I love to read so much. My book choices, generally on the heavier side, tend to be about topics I want to learn more about, be they other cultures, other ways of living/thinking, new experiences and travels...supporting me to understand something or to look at it in a new way.

Creativity, as I am just realizing, is also a key component in this list of mine. Hmmmm...that's interesting to me. I haven't considered myself to be creatively inclined. Analytical, yes. Creative, not so much. But looking objectively at the list, each would be difficult to engage in and enjoy if creativity wasn't part of the recipe.

So what does it all mean? F*ck if I know at this point. But I do know that feeling lost, like I do these days, is never a bad thing (although that reminder comes in handy about 56 times a day at the moment). It is simply a step along the path that leads to a new destination. The only way out, I know, is through...and I've got to be getting closer every day, no? Certainly hope so.

Ciao for now,

Sonja

Next...

It occurs to me that my blog posts seem to alternate between silly and far from serious subject matter to much more personal, serious-esque subject matter. It's very much following the ebb and flow of my life these days. One major component that seems to be missing however (or at least to me) is passion. I'm not passionate about anything right now...and I'm not very pleased about that.

It's been a very serious couple of weeks for me...with one or two exceptions...and this weekend I was able to shrug off some seriousness for a longer period when I got into a new book of all things. The book is exciting and has captured my full attention. I'm totally engrossed in it and, when I'm not reading it, I'm looking forward to the next opportunity I will have to do so. Sounds a bit like a drug addiction. Not exactly the feeling I'm trying to create here.

Set in and amongst all the heavy subject matter playing out with my dad being back in the hospital (day 14), it's almost as if this little book (actually, it's more than 800 pages but relatively small in size, if you will) has woken me up in some way and I don't want to fall back asleep.

And I'm not distracting myself in this one...well, not entirely. It's got me thinking about this long lost feeling I use to have much more regularly.

The book, by the way, is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. The feeling I have, reading this thriller of a page turner, is of being completely alert and aware. Things seem brighter somehow, more in focus. The story evokes real raw emotion. So much so that I've had to put it down a few times to think through what it's triggering for me (it is a wee bit disturbing in parts, which could be why I'm actually putting it down...either that or my marathon reading sessions wreaking havoc on my full bladder). I lose track of time when I open it up. The book is built like a puzzle; it's completely stimulating on an intellectual level and is certainly keeping me on my toes.

I remember when I use to feel this way about a lot of things in my life, namely my work. I miss these feelings and helping to evoke them - that energy - in others (that would be the positive ones, not the addiction like ones, just to be absolutely clear).

When did I become so apathetic?

Back to reality here. On the one hand, I have a very sick parent. Happens to be the inspiration for creating my blog and not wanting to waste a moment more of my life. On the other hand, I have put certain aspects of my life on hold...because I have a very sick parent. Can we read between the lines here people and identify the issue? Yup. I'm kinda moving in circles both here and in my life. And that's got to stop.

My challenge this week then, is to find another opportunity/activity/experience that makes me feel this engaged, alert and alive (outside of the book...and not to include drunk texting. I, of course, wouldn't know personally but I've heard it can create more problems than it's really worth). Trying to expand my circle of engagement, if you will. I figure baby steps are best when I have no idea how else to break out of this pattern I find myself in.

On a separate but related note, I'm not sure that eHarmony is the answer for me. Jumping on board, I now realize, has been sort of a lame attempt on my part to have someone else (the magic match-makers behind the curtain) do the work for me. It was a half-assed step I took with a half-assed intent. Not one I was ever going to fully commit to and, by being aware of that, I know all I will get out of it are other half-asser's who are not willing to commit. Not such a great recipe for success if you ask me.

Don't get me wrong. I know it can be a great tool and it can work for a lot of people (and has) but you can only get out of it what you put into it - like anything we do - and that is why it will not work for me at this point in my life. Not to mention, I am a firm believer that when we've got our own sh*t together, we are far more attractive to others and things, quite naturally, seem to have a way of falling into place.

My brief foray into online dating was a distraction tool for me (at least this round anyway). A way for me to turn my focus away from the important questions I should be answering about myself and my life. Now that I've realized (or should I say, now that I've been reminded) that the distractions are the very things taking me away from what I want, my course of action is pretty clear: dump the distractions and get on with the business of moving forward...hence this week's challenge.

No idea what will come of it. Could be quite boring actually. Suppose we'll both have to wait until my next post to find out.

Ciao for now,

Sonja

Life Truly is Like a Box of Chocolates...

...and I'll have another, thank you.

Since my last post, much has transpired but rather than bore you with a play-by-play account of the details, here are my takeaways (in no particular order):

1. When opportunity knocks, open the door for ____ sake!

Meaning when your friend invites you to join her in San Francisco for a long weekend away, say yes immediately. Don't waste time thinking about it. What's to think about?!

2. No one really knows what they are doing all of the time.

If we're all learning as we go, then why waste time pretending we know it all already? Let it go and take that same energy you were wasting trying to defend your (my) insecure self and use it to open up to the possibility that there may be some new learning in this particular case for you...which will only make you all the more knowledgeable. It's a win/win! Leave the ego at home, locked up in a dark closet where it belongs.

3. French fries, while a lovely & delicious comfort food, may not be the best choice all the time. Vegetables, while they don't go quite as well with gravy, do have their merits.

4. When an ex comes calling again...out of the blue...don't forget why they are now your ex.

I'm all for the potential to change but don't fool yourself into thinking things truly have until you see some serious evidence in their behaviour. Behaviour always speaks louder than words.

5. If you buy enough books, eventually Chapters' will throw you a bone and invite you to a focus group where you will get paid to buy more books, discuss your spending habits, providing them with exactly what they need to ensure you will buy even more books from them in the future.

6. Whenever you (again, me) find yourself struggling to reach out for help or support, remember how great it felt when you were able to be there for someone else.

I need this reminder a lot. I have become quite skilled at shutting people out but was reminded again quite recently, that by doing so I only end up denying them from feeling good and helpful and, quite often, happy...and I miss out on getting some much needed support in the process. Talk about a lose/lose proposition.

7. People can, and will, surprise you. For good or ill, it's a fact of life so why be shocked when they do?

I'm trying to change my perspective on these occurrences and view them more like the box of chocolates that they seem to resemble (which is also far more interesting).

Friends and relationships, like chocolate, enrich our life. But once in a while we select an unknown shape from the box...perhaps feeling a little cocky that day or a little playful...only to discover that it's filled with something unpleasant that we soon wish we never tried in the first place. Other times, we grab that perfect piece of dark chocolate caramel that reminds us just how much joy life has to offer. To say nothing of that new chocolate we have the opportunity to find and fall instantly in love with.

I won't go so far as to say it's translated into behaviour each time but it is still my humble opinion that it's worth taking your chances and choosing another chocolate from the box. It certainly makes life interesting, memorable and much more of an adventure.

Ciao for now,

Sonja

Where...Not How

"How you get there is not as important as where you want to go." - courtesy of my horoscope today. Inspiration can come from the oddest of places.

So true though. I have been working myself up this past week with "what if" after "what if" questions. All of which (in this particular case) are designed to run interference with my plans and sabotage my goals. How easy it would be to say I can't move ahead on any of my ideas because I need to be here for my family. It's a good reason to be around, don't get me wrong, but it comes down to why I'm choosing to do so; to the intention behind my choices.

If I am sticking around out of guilt, fear or obligation (all are really about the same thing, by the way: fear), then I am staying put for the wrong reasons. My parents, my dad in particular, would never want me to do something out of a sense of obligation. Not ever.

If I am sticking around because I want to be here, making the most of my time with my family and I'm able to maintain my sense of self at the same time, then that's a choice I can live with...and so can my family.

But I don't think that's the case. I think I am hiding behind the situation, putting off planning, putting off doing, putting off me because I have no idea how it will all happen. And it's easier to park the plans vs enter into uncharted territory. Sad but true. Yes, sad.

It has been true in my life - and perhaps a few others out there - that each and every time I set a goal for myself, I am tested to see just how much I really want to achieve it. I think these "tests", as it were, are there for good reason: to challenge our resolve. How much do we want what say we want? And how much more satisfying is it all when we do overcome those hurdles?

If I've ever wanted something badly enough, I've always made it happen. Plain and simple. But somewhere along the line I lost my resolve. I got burnt out (let's be honest, I allowed myself to be burned down) so I dug my heels in and stopped growing. I wanted a rest. I didn't want to be the one always responsible for keeping everything going. I didn't want to be the one saying, yet again, "I'm sorry, I can't make it...again" to my friends and family. I didn't want to be the one who had the fancy title, no life and who ended up in hospital for not taking care of herself any longer.

I will say that the shift in gears has served me well. I was surprised to find myself growing in ways I never anticipated and it did allow me to catch my breath. I have a true understanding now of what balance looks and feels like to me and I can quite safely say that I never have before.

But this phase has now come to an end. As it currently stands, this safety zone I've created for myself is no longer serving me. I'm making excuses not to get on with my life and excuses, as a mentor of mine shared with me, are not reasons. At their root, excuses are all about fear.

I read somewhere that every action we take is based on one of two things: love or fear. It seems so elemental. I can't tell you how much time I've spent reflecting on this particular idea but it's something that has stuck with me because I believe it to be true. If I peel enough layers of the onion away, I always get to one of these two driving forces at the core of every decision I make, every action I take. Every time.

I also know myself well enough to recognize that when I start to feel restless like I am, it is usually because I am acting out of fear and ignoring a part of myself that is trying to make itself known. I can't speak for anyone else but this is a clear warning sign for me to pay attention to what's going on below the surface. That, and the binging on book purchases (7 in the past week and a half alone...8 actually - one was free when you buy 3). Both clear signs that I am trying to distract myself from something that makes me uncomfortable. Good grief, for all the books I've bought I could be halfway around the world by now!

There's a whole lot more on this particular train of thought but that's all I can handle today. Off to hike Grouse Mountain (another thing I've been putting off for myself for far too long). Talk about needing to keep focused on where I'm going and not on how I'm getting up there!

Ciao for now,

Sonja

Change

I had a great week last week. Excellent week. I had a weekend! Doesn't sound like something worth noting but after spending so much time in the hospital with my dad and then visiting he and mom at home, checking in, ensuring - with my own eyes - that all was well...I had a weekend all to myself (except for that Father's Day visit I snuck in, of course).

My weekend back among the rest of the world consisted of a wonderfully long leisurely brunch with a friend, a movie out with another friend, a great Father's Day and a fantastic Coldplay concert. My definition of a perfect weekend...and I was finally relaxing. I had been on high alert for more than 4 weeks...my body giving way the week before when my back finally gave out to the build up of all that pressure. But that passed too.

I had a really good week at work. We closed another deal. We were busy and the days were flying by. And in this economy, that's saying something. I made plans. I made plans, people! After refusing so many invitations the past few months so I could be with the family, I was genuinely enjoying the company of friends again. I was relaxing even more. Still, all the while, checking in on dad and having lengthy chats and silly giggles with mom. Ahhhh...yes, this is what life was like before his diagnosis...before his complicated surgery...before everything changed.

Thursday night. Great talk with dad over the phone. He sounds so good. He's even peppy today. I can't help but smile through the entire conversation. It's like it was before. We're laughing about something. I get off the phone, feeling full and satisfied and...dare I say...happy.

Friday. It's a wonderfully productive day at the office. Satisfying. And after a week in a fog, this is what I've been longing for. I meet some great friends for lunch...which lingers quite a lovely long while. I finish up everything I planned to before leaving the office and am out by 5pm. The sun is shining as I walk home. I'm smiling...exhausted...and so ready for a quiet night in; a long sleep tonight.

I make my daily call to the folks. It's a little later than I usually do. Not sure why...probably because I've been slow getting dinner on...definitely tired from this week. They're not picking up so I leave a message. They must be having dinner or be sitting out on the deck.

A few hours later the call comes. Mom starts out strong...asks how my day was. Gotta love her. And then it comes...silence..."Dear...it's not been a good 24 hours...."...more silence...and then I hear her crying. F*ck.

I do my best not to inundate her with questions but I'm confused. I need to know. I want to know everything at once. Dad was his best in weeks just 24 hours ago. What could have happened? I didn't let it occur to me that anything could change overnight. I let my guard down and now I was having the wind knocked out of me.

The story unfolds and now I'm doing my best to just breathe and hold back tears. She went out to grab a new prescription for him (literally across the street), came back and found him on the floor, grey and clammy. He was conscious but in an excruciating amount of pain. She called 911 and he was rushed to Emergency.

It's Saturday. He's now home and resting. They don't know what happened. Change in medication? Complications of his surgery? Infection? Don't know. Troubling.

As mom said, there are no normal days anymore. There are no normal days anymore.

I've already made mention in my blog that my dad is on a long road back to health. This blog is not about one particular part of that road but rather a reminder (to me) that these calls - these experiences - are part of my new reality. These experiences, which I don't even bear the brunt of - my dad and my mom do - are our family's new reality. Everything has changed.

I gave myself such a hard time today for being out enjoying myself when (I didn't know) my dad was struggling in the Emergency ward. Logically, I know that's not fair. I know I'm being hard on myself. I know I couldn't have known and I know why he and mom made the decision not to call my brother or I until they knew what was going on. But this is a tough one to swallow.

How do I go out and enjoy myself, dream about my future travels and all the living I want to do (dad's present situation being the catalyst for such thinking) when this is what could be happening? I know guilt is pointless - it's of absolutely no good to either party - but I can't bear the thought of mom walking in on what she did and having to deal with what she did all on her own. I can't bear the thought of how scared my dad must have been lying there on the floor with no one there to help him, not knowing what was going on or how to stop the pain. I can't bear it.

There has been much more good than bad that has surfaced through my family's health struggles. We have so much to be thankful for and I am grateful - consciously so - every single day for all the positives that have come out of this. But I gotta tell you, sometimes it is awfully difficult to be positive and this just happens to be one of those occasions. And I write when I need to vent; when I need to understand what is going on in my head; when I need to try and make sense of things; when I should probably be reaching out to one of my many friends to talk about all of this and yet struggle to do so. And so I write.

Tomorrow is another day and it's one day at a time...

Sonja

My Answer

It would be ridiculous of me to be curious about your answer to my earlier question if I wasn't forthcoming with an answer of my own. But by putting my answer down I am acutely aware that it will then be "out there" and that I may actually need to act on it. Quite a concept, I realize. Sort of the point of my entire blog and still I resist. It's in my bio for God's sake. Not likely to be a surprise to anyone and yet...resistance.

It all comes down to that pesky brat 'fear.' It can tag along with you everywhere like an unrelenting younger sibling who fights for your attention while you're trying to watch Bo & Hopes' 9th 'Wedding of the Year' on Days of Our Lives back in the elementary school days. Yet now you can't just call your mom to get rid of him...I mean it - the fear, of course.

Fear of change, fear of disappointing others and fear of making waves in this particular case.

I'm an intelligent individual. I know the fear is lurking there. I know it's irrational and, quite frankly, ridiculous that I'm hesitant to write down what I would like to be doing with my life. How, in my ever lovin' world, am I going to make 'it' happen if I don't write it down, talk about it and start looking into how it can become my reality? Well, that's simple. I won't. I know this to be true because I've tested the theory out sufficiently already. Perhaps you have as well?

I am very clear that nothing comes from nothing.

So to cease and desist with my procrastinating, the answer to my very own question about what one thing I want to have done before I move on from this lovely life o' mine is, in a word: explore.

To explore:

1. to traverse or range over (a region, area, etc.) for the purpose of discovery.
2. to look into closely; scrutinize; examine.
3. to investigate into.
4. to search for; search out.

I want to be traveling the world, writing about my adventures, the people I meet and the new experiences I am enjoying. I want to find a way to transfer what I'm learning into something I can share with others. I want to be involved, present and fully engaged in the experience. I want to be smiling - a lot. I want to be sharing my story, of who I am - maybe more specifically, why I am who I am - and mostly, I want to be learning the evolving stories of others.

I want to be confirming my belief that while we may live far apart and have very different experiences, there is still more about us that is similar than that which separates us (now how's that for objective research?). And I want to try to share/tell that larger story.

To who? Good question. Who knows? Maybe just to myself...my own little science project. Maybe to my non-existent (pardon me, two strong) blog audience. Maybe to youth, perhaps to politicians (likely not), or maybe to a blank sheet of paper. But I will be sharing the stories and the lessons I am lucky enough to learn along the way (Wow, did that sound like a commitment? Sure sounded like one to me).

I am a huge fan of self-reflection and enjoy the process of exploring the depths of who and what I am; how I have become, well, me. I'm always seeking to understand. And now I want to turn my attention outward and learn more about the world and the people around me...beyond my home in Vancouver and North America, the only continent I have explored to date (and to say I've "explored' North America may be a wee bit generous).

I want to search for the common ground that, I believe, exists everywhere around and between us.

I have been very fortunate having had the opportunity to do and experience such amazing things in my life already, and I am both excited and nervous about embarking on this new adventure.

Now that it's "out there" that's it for me. I'm spent.

Sonja

Question of the Day (make that everyday)

If you could do one thing before you leave this life, what would it be? More importantly, why aren't you (meaning me) doing it?