Directions Please

Please tell me I'm not the only one who would take a road map if it were provided during some of life's more uncertain times?

I like to think that I've handled my share of uncertainty, what with life being what it is. Not to mention I've already been divorced, experienced more than a few loved ones battle life threatening illnesses, to say nothing of the colossal mistakes I've made and learned from over my 34 years.

But why is it when it comes to romantic relationships that I have the worst time trusting my gut, grabbing at whatever direction is available to me, be it in the words of a top 40 song or (ouch) on a tv reality show (which, just for the record, I despise under every other circumstance)? Please, tell me. Why? I'd really like to understand this ridiculous behaviour of mine.

What is it about relationships, or potential ones, that get me so bent out of shape? The poor fella doesn't stand a chance in my whirlwind of over analytical neurosis. For the most part, I'm a fairly well adjusted, mature, accomplished woman. Hard to believe with all the proof here but you'll just have to take my word for it. I can make a confident strategic decision about the direction our company should take without a second guess but I conveniently throw my common sense out the window most times when it comes to decisions of a romantic nature.

Why am I so quick to put my feelings aside and behave as if what he thinks is somehow more important than what I think...about me? Why do I so willingly put his needs above my own? Why do I become this pathetic person who is so genuinely surprised that he is interested in me that I turn my 'red light' alert off during critical times? (and "he" here could be anyone...I'm not speaking about anyone in particular, just my dough-head pattern).

I put my feelings on the back burner. I over accommodate his wishes. I hold back parts of myself. I feel like a moron much of the time, or worse, an actor. I either downplay my smarts or say very little. And yes, I do ask myself the question of whether or not I want to be with someone who would value these less than stellar qualities. The answer is always a resounding no, and yet they seem to persist in my insecurity. The intelligent part of me does in fact realize that I am cheating him from getting to know the real me...and yet, I still seem to go there more often than not. Or, on the flip side, I shut down any potential before I have an opportunity to behave this way.

I beat myself up. I annoy my close friends. I hibernate away from the world and try to distract myself with work. I move things along too quickly because somewhere along the way I found sex to be a whole lot easier than intimacy. And I hate that I do all this.

I have such a high wall built up around me that it would take someone truly super human to try and break it down. Clearly unfair and ridiculous of me to expect that responsibility to fall on anyone's shoulders but my own.

I'm scared. This precipice before stepping off the ledge into a relationship feels to me like every shred of skin is gone and I am walking around vulnerable and exposed to the elements. I have to laugh at myself (cause really, what else can I do?...listen to me!). This shouldn't be so hard. I was in a wonderful relationship once upon a time. I know what it can be like. I know it exists. I have a benchmark. And perhaps that is where a lot of this pressure I put on myself is coming from? Perhaps I have an unchecked expectation of the very same type of experience unfolding again in my life. Can anyone live up to that? Is that even what I want again?

I don't have the road map. No crystal ball to rely on. I'm done trying to read the tea leaves, the astrological charts and the tarot cards. It's all crap anyway, especially if I can't read myself and trust my own feelings on the subject.

The one thing I say I would like most in my life right now (which is right in front of me), is the one thing I don't trust myself to judge accurately. And it is the one thing there are no directions for. Ain't that a bitch?!

A wise friend once told me that we are more often afraid than we are actually hurt, although we often behave otherwise. I am afraid. I am not hurt. I can do this ("this" being get over myself and get in the game), if I would only just let myself.

Falling into Trouble

To say I am out of my comfort zone at present would be a bit of an understatement. Everything I have been hoping for, planning for, looking forward to....oh God. That fairly specific wish list I put out to the universe for my future happiness, uhhhh well, it's apparently delivery time. Mother firetrucker! I am totally freaking out!

I can only imagine what the universe will do with me as I resist all that is unfolding in front of me. After all, it's only what I have been asking for. I'm surely committing some cosmic offence for which I rightly will be punished.

Want something to change at work? But of course, says the universe. How about new and exciting contracts that are engaging and keeping you on your toes? You got it. And if that's not enough, how about other job offers? Sure thing, Sonja, here you go!

Want your family to be healthy, happy and enjoying life again? Consider it done! Dad gets a clean bill of health and your sister-in-(common) law is doing so well she's heading back to work a month ahead of schedule!

You say you're ready for a relationship with someone who is not only emotionally available but also so far from being a "project" that you won't know what to do with yourself? You bet! Do you hear that knock at the door? That's him. He's waiting for you to let him in. What are you waiting for?

...and this is where the real panic sets in.

I am being presented with exactly what I have been asking for and I have no idea what to do with myself. Fascinating, don't you think?

To be continued...

Sonja

Clara Hughes is a True Champion

Today is a day of note for the Take A Hike Youth At Risk Foundation.

This program is very near and dear to me and I am excited to pass on great news that is directly impacting them. Clara Hughes, Canadian Olympic bronze medalist, and the only Olympian in history to medal in both the winter and summer Olympics, announced that she is donating her entire $10,000 bonus from the award to the Foundation!

Take a Hike is an alternative education program that engages at-risk youth through a unique combination of adventure-based learning, academics, counseling, and community involvement (http://www.takeahikefoundation.org/). You can learn more about Clara's decision to contribute in this morning's Vancouver Sun (page A15):

http://www.vancouversun.com/sports/2010wintergames/Medal+winner+Clara+Hughes+makes+donation+Vancouver+charity/2612430/story.html

This is an incredible kick off to Take A Hike's upcoming 10 year anniversary celebration and ongoing efforts to ensure the Vancouver-based program continues to thrive and grow well into the future. It is only through the generous donations of individual and corporate donors that they are able to continue offering opportunities to at-risk youth to turn their lives around.

In Clara's own words, she feels that sport saved her life. For many of the youth involved in Take A Hike, the program is literally the only thing that is keeping them off the streets, off drugs, and in school. Graduates have gone on to achieve their goals in ways they never believed would be possible, nor available to them, prior to becoming part of the program.

As the Foundation embarks on their growth strategy to see Take A Hike expand into additional communities beyond Vancouver, I urge you to consider making a donation to this very worthy group in honour of Clara Hughes' incredible achievements as an Canadian Olympian and avid support of the program (http://www.takeahikefoundation.org/?page=donate).

Clara embodies everything about the Olympics that I find truly inspiring. To be frank, all of us with Take A Hike are beside ourselves today with her generosity and the exposure that her contribution has shed on the program.

Thank you, Clara. You are a true champion, in every sense of the word.

Sonja

Who You Callin' a Puck Bunny?

Today, I was called a "puck bunny." A puck bunny! Yes, perhaps I have come under the influence of the home town Olympic Games...and who can blame me, really? Have you seen what's going on in the streets here? Yes, I could most certainly have the fever.

I even heard today about a new "syndrome" running rampant in the city. They're calling it FOMO...otherwise known as the Fear Of Missing Out syndrome. Let us pause for a moment while that one sinks in. Right...moving on...

FOMO I do not have. I do, however, have growing fatigue from cheering on our Canadian men's hockey team. Olympic spirit...yes, I do believe I have a healthy dose of that. Trust me, no one is more surprised than I am.

My cheerleading days are long (...long...) behind me. I'm usually the one who'd rather stay home than deal with the crowds to watch the game. I'm not interested in following the regular season. I'm certainly not one of those people who (I am sure are very lovely people, by the way) are dressed in hockey regalia from head to toe and have their favourite team's logo dangling from their key chain, or worse, from their rear view mirror, or worse still...oh, I could go on but why? Needless to say, you won't see a team flag hanging from my car window (even if I had a car). Vancouver is a serious hockey town. I am the minority here. I've always been good with that.

So why then am I out with the other thousands cheering on Team Canada? Why is it I find myself waiting in line to get a seat a full 2 hours before the games even start? Why am I now planning my work schedule around the hockey schedule to ensure I don't miss a minute of the action? Why indeed?

Because I seem to be superstitious, that's why.

Allow me to explain. Every game that I have gone to, watched or cheered on with the multitudes, we have won so far. The one and only game I did not go to, did not cheer on, did not follow, we lost. You can see my dilemma...but can you feel my pain people?!

While I may not be a true puck bunny (no, really, I'm ok with that), I sure as hell am not going to be responsible for Canada losing the gold medal!

Go Canada Go!

Sonja

5 Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I was packing and leaving my home and my partner of 12 years. My husband and I were starting our trial separation, bringing to a close our chapter together, and beginning to grieve the life we had once fused together so beautifully...now struggling to try and hold it together. We separated only when it became clear to us both that we were no longer on the same path, no longer heading in the same direction. We were no longer meant to be together.

At the time, it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Here I was saying good-bye to my best friend in the world, the only person on God's green earth (quite literally) whom I told everything to, the only person who knew every facet of me, who could anticipate my thoughts, reading them as if they were written across my face. He was the person who, with just one look, was able to communicate everything I needed to hear in that instant, and was always, always able to make me laugh, even under the most tense of circumstances.

He was the person in my life who taught me to be myself by helping me to see who I really was. He loved me for being me, and eventually, having trusted him implicitly, I began to believe he just might be right. To say he was one of the most important people ever to come into my life, doesn't seem to cover just how influential he truly was. And, true to form, we ended our relationship with the same respect, the same admiration, the same love that we entered into it with.

I look back on that chapter of my life with what can only be described as love. I was so fortunate to have had such an amazing relationship so early on in my life. There are many things I fear I may not have made it through had he not always been there with me, by my side, supporting and cheering me on.

While our paths no longer stretch out in the same direction, I will be grateful to him until the end of my days. Having him in my life has made me a much better person (...and a much funnier one, I might add. It's really he who deserves the credit for helping me to develop a sense of humour...that and a few experiences since our parting, but still he deserves the lion share).

I didn't intend for this to be a thank you message to you, Cord, but it seems it has become one. Thank you for your love, for your patience over all our years together, and for introducing me to myself.

In a way, today feels like the end of yet another chapter in my life. Over these past five years, I thought I wanted to be in a relationship again like this one, but along the way it became increasingly clear to me that I wasn't yet open nor was I anywhere near ready. Happily, I am turning now to a new page.

In gratitude,

Sonja

Dudes, Now What?

I know when I start to get restless that something has to shift. It's not right away, at least not usually. I generally need a few days, sometimes (sadly) a few weeks, to become fully annoyed by my restlessness before I will take action and do something about it. Today I am annoyed by it.

After months without a personal laptop - mine having died a slow and painfully long, drawn out death - I am the proud owner of a new MacBook. My first thought, after bringing it home and setting it up in a matter of 4 minutes or so, was why the hell I didn't I do this sooner? Both why didn't I replace my laptop sooner and, more emphatically, why didn't I buy myself a Mac long before now??? It's crazy making to think of all the time I have wasted. This machine is amazing...but I digress.

So here I am with my very own computer again (technically my MacBook is at home and I am at work but you get the point). You'd think that would ease my restlessness now that I can get back into a regular writing routine...and yet, instead of writing, I have been wasting time trying to change my blog template and, inadvertently I might add, downloading a virus that has apparently been emailing everyone in my professional address book (yes, I was on my work PC...not exactly ideal. Had I been on my MacBook, I wouldn't have had to worry about such a trifle).

So as I am downloading Malware something or other "fix-it" software, which is probably a virus itself (did I mention, Mac's don't have these problems?), I am further frustrated that (a) I now have to waste more time getting rid of this virus and (b) I'm even more disgruntled that I haven't found a solution to the limited range of Blogger templates I have to choose from (I would have been quite happy to take a new template with the virus...I'm a practical girl. I realize I can't have everything). Oh to be a graphic artist...but I'm digressing further.

It's a new year (thank God), my life is in stable condition (welcome news), and I seem to have a lot of time on my hands these days (how refreshing). I could be using that time to focus on some writing and exploration into what I shall do next with my life (...ding!, ding!, ding! Hello to the true source of my restlessness). I figured taking action and putting some cold hard cash down on a computer would be a strong commitment to myself to move forward since looking at this expensive piece of technology every day is going to kill me if I don't do something with it. Sh*t, did I just create a new kind of hell with which to dwell in? And here I thought I was doing so well.

Distractions are in short supply (hence my trying to create them out of thin air). Who cares what my blog looks like (new mantra: doesn't matter what it looks like, doesn't matter what it looks like...) so long as I am saying something of interest on a somewhat consistent basis (zero for two as of late, I'm afraid. My blog feels more like a Seinfeld episode - a whole lot about nothing - but a lot less funny).

New year, new focus, new theme.

It'll make sense soon enough, to both you and me, I hope (fingers are crossed).

Ciao for now,

Sonja

It's official: 2010 is my new best friend

Yes, it's only January, but I have come to the realization that 2010 is my newest best bud. Why, you ask? Well the last 30 days have been quite a transformation (...a very necessary one, I might add).

I was smart enough to take a solo vacation over the holiday, enjoying a week to myself to read, reflect, sleep, hike and repeat. This is a picture of the path from my cottage (and back to myself really). Not a difficult place to be when you need some time to be one your own.

I knew I was overwhelmed and downright exhausted from the past year but I didn't realize how burnt out I was until I got away to unwind and unravel it all. I think I wrote more in those 7 days than I did all 365 of the last year. God, what a gift to be able to step away and check out (or, more accurately, check in with myself) before starting a new year.

The moment I got home, a number of things began to shift:

* No longer did I feel the need to kill someone (well, at least it wasn't my first thought when someone pissed me off...that's progress, no?);

* I came back to work refreshed and completely re-energized. I might even go so far as to say I have been excited about work;

* I enrolled in and started a unique photography and creative writing course that I am loving (check it out at www.susannahconway.com);

* I got back in the gym and started running again (sadly, I am also pretty sure I have had more exercise in the past month versus the entire past year);

* I took an Executive Finance course that just about did me in...but didn't thanks in part to a new friend who helped make it a rather enjoyable experience;

* And rather than giving up wine altogether (who does that?), I've decided rather to only really enjoy it while in the company of others (I figure it's a step in the right direction anyway).

The last 30 days have been a welcome change in my world but a change that I don't think would have been possible without the 365 that came before them. There is much benefit in moving through the dark days to appreciate all the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Cliche, yes. True, absolutely. I've proved this to myself countless times over the years and yet the power in it still never ceases to amaze me.

So, with that, I wish a big 'G' Goodbye to 2009, and a warm hello to 2010. Hoping you all are primed and ready for a new path, new opportunities, and the new adventures to come.

Sonja